“Start a tarot journal,” I said to myself. “It will be great. Writing is fun!”
I’m sitting here feeling like I have to write something good every day, and that’s a lot of pressure. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure the only one reading this blog besides bots and webcrawlers is my friend Sara (Hi Sara!!), so who cares? (I care though.)
I'm gonna do it , y'all. Let's do it!
The Moon is always a little creepy and scary, and this is a pretty scary version of it, I think. The rattlesnakes, the eclipsed moon, the hanging flowers (I feel like these are datura, which is a hallucinogen), the night sky… there’s a lot happening in this card. To be fair, the Rider-Waite-Smith has stark towers, a lonely winding road, a dog, a howling wolf, and a big lobster crawling out of the sea at you. It’s intended to be unsettling.
The Moon can be about a lot of things—madness, cycles, shadow-sides, confusion, masks, deception.
But here’s the real question: what does The Moon have to say about me feeling tarot blog performance anxiety?
I’ve got a lot of flippant answers but here’s some real shit that just occurred to me—maybe it’s telling me to drop my mask of being a “good writer” or a “good tarot reader”.
Y’all, I really want to be those things. I do! And sometimes I want that so much that it gets in the way of me becoming those things. Like, sometimes I read other people’s writing and it’s so brilliant and my biggest reaction is to feel bad for not writing like them, instead of celebrating their brilliance and letting it inspire me to nurture my own voice. And then when I do write, sometimes I'm so focused on trying to figure out what other people want to hear that I forget to pay attention to what I want to say. I also get really self-judgmental when I’m reading tarot and end up putting so much energy into trying to seem like a good reader that it makes me a worse reader!
This is such a human reaction, right? We want to be loved, and we believe that to be loved we have to be seen as good and as worthy, but we don’t feel good or worthy, so we just try really hard to project an image of worthiness. But that mask keeps others from really knowing or connecting with us.
I think the true need, for me as a writer, is to be witnessed: my real thoughts and feelings and some part of my inner life. As a reader, it’s to witness others.
I’m going to sit with this, and encourage myself to take off my mask more often.