I’m a little bit lost, friends.
I recently moved in with a partner for the first time in almost a decade, along with the world’s most amazing kiddo. It’s been wonderful and thrilling and challenging and hard and also all the regular boring things that life always is and also also the standard complement of cool shit and hard shit that goes along with being an extremely gay gender weirdo in an unconventional relationship format that does not come with any kind of roadmap.
I would do it all again in a second AND it’s kicking my ass. My ass is 100% kicked. I haven’t been able to get my feet under myself emotionally, and some old, old shit is coming up for me.
It came to a head recently, and I went on a long walk in the forest with my best friend and yelled about my feelings and fell in a river (it was very shallow, don’t worry) and then I started going to therapy again. And my therapist was like, friend. What are you doing? What happened to your tarot practice and all the stuff you do to ground yourself and remember who you are?
Longstoryshort, she sent me home with a bunch of homework and this afternoon I set up my altar (after three months, wow, no wonder I’ve been feeling like I’m sleepwalking all the time), and did a tarot reading.
I picked three cards: something to invite in, something to release, and a guiding star. I also pulled cards from both Slow Holler and Next World--it’s fun to see two different takes on the same cards!
I’m gonna start with the “something to release," even though it's the middle card, because I got the Knight of Cups and I feel PERSONALLY ATTACKED by this EXTREMELY ACCURATE CALLOUT. Like, go for it, Romeo. Go ahead and climb a mountain barefoot with no jacket and no food and no sleeping bag. Take your crab buddy with you in a little cup, what could go wrong, what do crabs even eat? Alternatively, get your goldfish and your horse and ride right the heck into the ocean. It will all work out! Do it for love!!!
Y’all, I’m walking up a mountain and I forgot to bring my shoes. It’s so understandable but also, so unsustainable.
My “something to invite in” is The Fool, and I think the relationship between The Fool and the Knight here is really interesting. They have a lot in common. The Fool is ready to jump off the cliff, or take a walk in the dark with their shoes untied, or hop a train to nowhere just to see what happens. Their curiosity is stronger than their fear; they are leaping and trusting the world and their inner resources to hold them.
On the surface, that leaping and risk-taking sounds a lot like the Knight. But The Fool is more about relationship with self than relationship with another. In this situation, I think it’s telling me I need to face the things that are scaring me with courage and curiosity, rather than avoiding my fears by immersing myself in relationship to the point that I lose myself.
The Fool gets lost, but not because they are hiding. They get lost because they are exploring. And they brought a buddy and a backpack! That’s the kind of lostness I need to invite in.
My “guiding star” is the Six of Pentacles, and I think it’s telling me that I need to think hard about how I’m distributing my resources. What energy am I putting into relationships and my loves, and what energy am I putting into myself? Into my community? How am I managing my material and emotional and spiritual resources? Am I distributing them in a way that matches my highest values? What kind of redistribution do I need right now? How can I approach that question with courage and curiosity? How can I let myself get lost, without losing myself?
I don’t know the answers to these questions yet, but I feel like I’m home again, and that’s more than enough right now.