I haven't been posting that much because I'm still trying to figure out what life even is anymore, with Trump being elected and the world burning down. I know it's been burning down all along, but the reality of it is hitting me in a way that it never has before. I'm pulling it together, little by little, and slowly figuring out what my part of the work is, and how to keep myself whole while doing it.
But we have to find space for joy, right? Joy is survival. And in that spirit, here's a story about me getting called the hell out by a pack of cards (to quote some meme I've seen floating around in tarot spaces).
Last week, I'd been sick in bed for a week and a half with the second-worst cold I'd ever had. I didn't know that the human body could make that much snot. It was shocking, and also digusting, and after a while, painful. Yet I perservered, and finally, on day 10 of The Snot Times, things had dried up a bit and I'd begun to remember, at least a little, what it felt like to care about things besides soup and being warm. I was ready to go back to work and resume receiving the wages with which I keep myself in turnips and tarot cards!
There was just one problem. The weather forecast predicted snow and freezing rain, and I live in Portland, Oregon, which means any snow or ice is a total shitshow. That's an actual scientific weather term, by the way. But I was feeling a ton of pressure to get back to work, because I had long since used up my sick leave and it's a new job, so I felt like I was risking getting fired by being out so long. I sat there (really sort of laid there, under a pile of blankets), imagining being stuck at a bus stop for hours with a pair of barely-healed lungs (did I mention my lungs got in on the plague party?) and freaking out about how I was going to get fired. Finally, I decided to pull my daily card and to have my question be "should I go to work tomorrow."
I never do this. I am not a predictive reader, I don't believe that tarot can tell the future, and I don't ask yes or no questions. I was just messing around and trying to settle myself down. And I had a brand new Slow Holler deck that I was excited to explore--have you seen it? It's so good. I actually teared up when I saw some of the cards. More on that later.
Want to know what card I got?
I fell over laughing. This is especially funny because Slow Holler is the only deck that I know of with a Storm card (in the Slow Holler deck it takes the place of The Tower, which is the traditional sixteenth card of the Major Arcana).
I can hear this card talking to me:
you feel like you'll probably go out tomorrow
IN THE SNOW AND ICE STORM
to take the bus
which will not come for hours
when you are just starting to recover from the worst illness you've literally ever had
that time in law school does not count
even though your boss is being really nice about this
and your department has both a high turnover rate and a hiring freeze
so the risk that you will actually get fired is super minimal
do you remember how you had to take a nap after you went to the grocery store yesterday
do you remember that part
but you know
if you want to go out tomorrow
IN THE SNOW AND ICE STORM
you should do what you want i guess
Reader, I stayed home. I did not get fired. And I can breathe through both nostrils now! It's the little things.