This card is about abundance, and cultivating the sense of worthiness that allows us to receive it.
“Indulge, bask, snuggle, and savor the sweetest things in your life right now… Revel in the moment. Take your pleasure where you find it. Let yourself overflow.” –Slow Holler Tarot
I did a hard thing last week and it went really well. Today, my therapist said my homework is to relax and enjoy the sweetness of that. I am noticing how my anxiety keeps going off, like a broken car alarm, trying to protect me from non-existent dangers. It’s so hard to return to the moment, to the facts about what is currently happening, when my brain keeps reminding me of past hurts.
It’s so hard to believe that I’m worthy of abundance, of love, of goodness. That I’m enough. That I’m safe. That I’m allowed to trust other people. That some people are pretty damn good and pretty damn trustworthy, and that those things are also true about me.
It doesn’t feel safe, to indulge and bask and savor sweetness. It feels safer to stay walled off, not to get too excited, to assume the worst and wait for the other shoe to drop, until, until, until, until... what? It doesn't end. There's always something new to be scared of.
But is it really safer, to do all that? If it means I miss out on my actual life? Is that really safety?
There’s some real overflow-worthy stuff going on in my life right now and I want it. I want it! I want every single one of these cups!
I’m going to try following that want and see where it takes me.
I’m feeling some Swords angst right now. Swords represent words and thought, and those things have often been a haven for me. As a little kid, I struggled to connect with others and escaped into a world of words by burying myself in books.
But my brain feels like an enemy a lot these days. It tries to protect me by telling me all the things that could go wrong, over and over and over. It tells me what trauma taught it: that I can’t trust other people, that if I am ever inconvenient I will be rejected, that my worth is based on what I offer to other people, and that the way to be loved and connected is to make myself as small as possible, to stay in my room, making no noise.
I feel so stuck in my head right now. I want to be more connected with my body and the moment and other people. I don’t have an easy answer to how to get there from here. I’m just trying stuff and seeing what happens and trying to sit with the discomfort as best I can.
So what does this Ace mean today?
What’s true is that our words and our thoughts, Swords, are neither bad nor good. They are just powerful. They can cut through the bullshit or they can cut us down. They can be kitchen knives that chop vegetables to feed us or dull pocketknives that slip and slice deep.
I think this card is saying, be bold and be careful. Know the power of your words and your thoughts. Gather up all your tools, get ready to use them, and make sure that when you do, you’re acting according to your highest values.